In my storm I heard Him

When she drives me crazy

when she is naughty

when she is screaming

when she is doing something on purpose after I said no.

When she is crying for no reason

when she is throwing her Cheerios at me...again

when she is pushing me well past my patience

I remind myself to hold her.

To scoop her up into my arms.

To gently explain what she is doing wrong,

that she is being naughty.

I remind myself to take a breath and stay calm.

For there was a time when I didn't think I would ever have her.

when pregnancy meant loss, not life.

When positive tests meant fear more than excitement.

She was promised to me.

She is my miracle.

She was sent here at the perfect time.

The night before my second heartbreaking ultrasound

I told a friend of mine,

"God wouldn't take 2 babies from me. I just know He wouldn't."

But deep down, I knew something was wrong.
I had just felt it for 2 days.
Call it mother's intuition if you like.
Heartbreaking news...again.

After my second loss I laid in bed one night

Praying silently with tears streaming down my face.

Once again, throwing the why's at God.

Not blaming Him,

just wanting answers from Him.

Wanting comfort in Him.

Why did this keep happening to me? 

To us?

What was the reason?

This is supposed to be happy and joyful.

To us it was just tears and pain.

But I knew there was a reason for everything.
And in the calm and stillness of the night
I heard Him.
"Surrender your whole self to me and I will give you the desires of your heart."

Never before could I say that God spoke to me.
But that night
The peace that washed over me as I heard those words was undeniable.
The word whole  stuck out to me.
I was being defensive.
I was guarding my heart and mind.
Even from God.
But He wanted it all.
Every part of me.
The good and the bad.
I needed to realize it wasn't me who was in control.
And He promised me.
that if I surrendered everything,
my miracle would come.

One year and six months later
After many trials and frustrations
My miracle arrived.
He knew the timing.
As a Christian, my faith was tried.
I am a stronger person today because of it.