Pregnant deployment whinings..

Pregnancy during deployment is rough! At first I thought it was easy. It seems to makes the time go by faster and keeps you busy. Planning and preparing for baby keeps your days filled.
Until the closer you get to delivery.
And it finally dawns on you that he won't be there.

-Let me just say, this is my blog and my space and if I want to whine sometimes I most certainly can. :) I don't whine to anyone aloud so sometimes I just need to lay it out there. - thankyouverymuch!

A few days ago I woke up feeling awful. It was just a bad day. I had woken up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat from a nightmare and reached over for my husband, only to clutch on to empty sheets. Reality hit once again that it isn't a short separation this time and it will be quite a while before he will be home. So while it was still the middle of the night, I allowed myself to cry and just fall completely apart. No one was around to witness it and I didn't have to worry about babygirl walking in on me being a mess. It is a rarity that I actually address my feelings and not just bury them and go on. Usually I just push back what I'm feeling or struggling with because sometimes it's just easier to deal with life that way.

So when I got up for the day I waited around for my hubby to get online to talk. We had been able to talk every day so far. By the time later afternoon rolled around I still had no word. I, being the emotional pregnant lady that I was, started freaking out. Things that had happened in my nightmare ran through my mind and I just needed to hear something. Anything.

Yes, I know my husband is not a frontline combat soldier, however, you try having your whole life and heart be in another country in a war zone and you not worry!

I got back online and seen another soldier online. Not thinking I was doing anything wrong, I asked him if he had seen my husband or if maybe he had just fallen asleep. Not the right thing to do I guess... Of course things ended up being perfectly fine and I got to hear from my hubby for a minute. But now I have a feeling I'm going to be known as the psycho pregnant wife. Fabulous. And I'm pretty sure I irritated my hubby for having a panic attack.

It's just a huge adjustment to go from being able to talk to or at least contact your husband at any given time of the day, to waiting around until he has a chance to talk. I think this is the worst part of deployment. When you need so badly to talk to them for just two minutes because they would know exactly what to say and exactly how to comfort you... but you can't. So you are forced to suck it up and just learn to deal with things on your own.

I know that I am so blessed to be surrounded by family who would drop everything at anytime to be there for me, but it's just not the same. I want him. I want his hugs and his comfort when things go wrong. He is the glue that holds me together when I allow myself to fall apart. He's the only one that I open up to and share everything with, and even that is rare for me to do sometimes.

I just needed him that day. It was one of the worst days I have had since he left. (which has already been 8 weeks ago) I needed reassurance that he was fine after dreaming the worst. I needed to finally address the fact that he can't come home for baby's birth. I needed reminded how much he loves me and that he misses me as much as I miss him. I just needed him. But I couldn't have him. So I lost it. I was desperate to find contact with him anyway I could. Even if that meant I would look like a nutso wife. I didn't care. I needed one more 'I love you, I'm fine.'


I have a reminder on my phone that goes off once a week. It says:
"He's thinking about you. Every time you go to bed hugging your pillow wishing it was him, he's holding on to the perfume sprayed letter wishing it was you. As forgotten as you may feel, remember he misses you just as much, even if he doesn't show you in the glorious and romantic ways that you dream up."


I know this was a very different type of post but I don't allow myself to whine or fall apart. Ever. I don't complain to him when we talk because I know he has it a lot worse than me, actually being there and being away from his family. I keep my issues and struggles to myself in front of family. However, I felt like it was time for me to unload.

One Year of Blogging

Happy Anniversary Learning to Be!!

Wow. This post was definitely supposed to go up a week ago. I had it scheduled for January 3. I'm not sure what happened but I apologize to the few of you who have gotten onto me about not posting!! Sorry!

Today marks one year since the start of this blog. I started it with a very different mindset. I planned on doing a 365 project. Yeah, that fell through at about day 45. It's too much pressure to demand a post

every.single.day.

Regardless, I am so happy that I have this blog.

As an outlet, a journal, a scrapbook.

I love recording things that will be available to my children.

I write in a journal to my daughter and plan to do that for the rest of my kids also but this is something public, funny stories or photos. My kids' journals are personal memories or notes that I write specifically to them.

But back to this guy here..

Happy Anniversary blogland!

I'm so glad to have made it this far and honestly enjoy writing every post.

I know there are days that I put up meaningless ramblings.

Silly photos and jokes.

Links to songs on YouTube.

There are days when I don't even post at all, due to writer's block.

And then there are the days that my posts circulate my online community.

Days that I receive hundreds of hits.

Links shared by my family members and friends.

To the posts written from my heart.

The posts that make people text me, saying I've made them cry that day.

These are the posts I love.

The posts that stem from a quiet thought hidden in my mind.

A nonspoken moment that I finally feel okay to share.

I don't blog for online fame.

I don't blog to gain followers.

I blog to share my heart.

confidence

I've always been a writer.

I just never usually shared much.

It's like the closet singer.

She knows she can sing.

But she's terrified to do it in front of someone.

Terrified of the judgement.

I started a blog because I have always been a writer.

I have followed blogs for a long time but never had one of my own.

I want to express myself.

Share thoughts, feelings and dreams.

Capture the days of my babygirl.

Remember the silly, the sad,

 the happy and bad.