Life has definitely been a roller coaster lately. I've been a walking ball of emotions. There have been days on end that I spend every second trying not to cry because I know it will make him feel even worse. He doesn't want to go, but it's a duty. Sure, there are pros and cons to every situation, but when it comes down to it I know he would rather be home with his girls.
The last fews weeks have been filled with lots of hugs, kisses and hand holding. Memorizing the way his face crinkles when he laughs. Watching him light up when his daughter giggles at him. Dying to spend every possible second with him. Following him into the bathroom just to sit while he showers. Doing everything possible to be near him at all times.
There have been plenty of good times and memories made. But it's never enough. I constantly think of what he will miss of babygirl and our coming baby. The moments sitting up late in the hospital after birth, just staring at our new child while she sleeps. I wonder if either girl will know who he is when he returns, how much 'stranger danger' we will have to deal with before they are comfortable with their daddy. That rips my heart to shreds.
It's silly, but anytime the National Anthem was played while I watched the Olympics, I choked back tears. Any patriotic song that plays on the radio I have to change. I break down constantly.
Family and friends offer to keep you busy, to keep your mind off things. But being alone is sometimes more comforting than forcing a fake smile on your face and attempting to hold it together as you count the minutes until you can leave and have another good cry into his pillow. Family struggles to find the right things to say but honestly, just saying nothing and giving space is the best thing for the time being. I get tired of repeating "I'm fine" over and over.
I definitely get tired of hearing people whine over not seeing their significant other for a night or even a weekend. Heck, a week is nothing either! Until you've dealt with long separation, I have no sympathy. Nada.
Life should pick up it's pace for me very shortly. I have just weeks to countdown until a new babygirl is here and I know time will fly. Once she is born life will change dramatically for me learning to juggle and balance two kids. I think of babygirl now almost being 2 years old. When I sit and think about it, 2 years went by in a flash. I blinked and it went that quickly.
However, I still have to live life day to day. There are still 24 very long hours in each day that I will not be with him. I will have to go to bed alone, curled up in his favorite t-shirt. I will have to spend holidays, anniversaries, birthdays without him. I will have to just get used to him being gone. There will be plenty of days where I get up and force myself to just go through the motions.
To just be.
