Parks for Days..

Just a photo dump today.

Another day at the park.

A Single Picture

A single picture.

That's all it takes to transport me back to a moment. A feeling.

Although I am so very blessed with two amazing, beautiful and healthy little girls.. I can't help but think about those two lives I lost. Those babies I didn't ever get to meet.

I have their ultrasound photos kept back and away where I can see them. But I wanted more. I wished for a long time that I had a photo of me while I was pregnant with the both of them. I know when I was pregnant both times and I know the exact dates that I lost them. But that didn't help. It's not like I could just have a picture from any given day and say, oh yeah I was pregnant there. I wanted physical proof. I felt like it wasn't too much to ask.

I adore my pictures documenting my pregnancies with my girls. I longed for the ability to line up 4 pictures side by side of the same week with each pregnancy.

I am one step closer to that dream :)

 

I know it is a terrible picture of me and that I am mid-blink.. BUT!

 

This is me at 10 weeks pregnant with my second baby.

 

I'm not going to lie. When I saw this picture on my dad's computer my heart skipped a beat. I had it sent to myself and later that night was able to stare and swoon and shed a few silent tears alone for that beautiful baby that I will get to meet in Heaven one day. My heart tells me both of those babies were perfect little boys. I can't wait until the day I can see their faces and instantly know who they are.

Sleeping Beauties

I can't help but sneak into my daughter's rooms every single night after they have fallen asleep.

I love to see their peaceful faces.

 

No cares. No worries.

Just peace.  

 

I will probably be that mom that peeks in on them in their teens.

SAHM

First, courtesy of MSNBC and TheLaughingStork,
10 things to never say to a stay-at-home mommy:

1. When the kids are older, do you think you’ll get a real job?

2. How June Cleaver of you!

3. Oh, so you don’t work?

4. Since you have extra time on your hands, could you whip up a few dozen brownies for the bake sale tomorrow?

5. All day with your kids? I can’t even imagine.

6. I’m jealous. I wish my husband were rich so I wouldn’t have to work either.

7. What do you do all day, anyway?

8. I’m sure you’re not the only one who’s ever wasted money on a college degree.

9. That explains why your daughter is so clingy!

10. Weird. I assumed your house would be super clean.


I'm not going to lie.. for a very long time I said I would never be a stay at home mom. I thought I would be driven crazy. I knew I would need my me-time desperately. But the last nine months have been bliss. Having the ability to raise our girls myself and not have to be away from them all day and them be raised by a sitter has been a dream. Of course I have my days where I am fed up and think I can't take another minute but I remember having those days when I worked at the doctor's office.

I know things may not always be this way. I know eventually I may need to return to work in order to help accomplish goals we have for our future.

But for now?
For now I fill my days with PJ days, park playing, donut dates, snuggles during favorite shows, lunchtimes and the joy of my girls knowing I am always there when they fall asleep and when they wake again.

Babygirl's Surgery-Part 3

Home

 

12:30- We arrive home after a stop by CVS for Babygirl's meds. (Thank goodness for insurance) Babygirl is settled on to the couch with her Cinderella Barbie doll and her teddy from her daddy. Babysister is playing on her playmat watching cartoons.

 

12:40- First full cup of apple juice is finished (the one she started in the hospital). First dose of meds given. She is such a grouch about it!

 

1:00- Must've been good meds because she is out that quick!

 

2:30- Babygirl woke up. Acting pretty normal.

 

2:45- Ballons delivered. From Daddy! Babygirl has a random burst of energy and is completely over the moon about them.

 

3:20- Downed 2 yogurts. She must've been starving because they were both gone in under 5 minutes.

 

4:00- Still playing. More meds given.

 

 

4:35- First cup of milk in over 16 hours. She thought waiting for it was torture, as she had been asking for it all day long. Especially before the surgery.

5:15- Milk gone.

 

5:30- Both girls nap.

 

6:15- My mom is still with me so she let me run to Walgreens for toilet paper. ha. I had one roll in the entire house.

6:25- Mom text me to grab Fazoli's for dinner for she and I.

 

 

7:30- Babygirl woke up and asked me to cuddle with her. I adore the way she asks. She says, "Mommy can I hold you?"

7:40- Obviously I cuddled very well because she is asleep again.

7:51- After I tried to shift her off my lap and onto the couch she woke up again. Pretty disoriented and out of it.

8:00- Back to normal. Playing doctor with MoMo again.

 

9:20- Asks to eat fruit snacks. Downs two packages.

9:30- MoMo leaves for home.

9:35- Babygirl requests a bath.

 

10:12- More cuddles on the couch while Babysister fusses in the exersaucer. This is the hard part of single parenting.. trying my hardest to give equal attention. One is tired and wants to nurse to sleep. The other is tired and fresh out of surgery. Sigh... Not much longer until I have my hubby back as my helpmate :)

11:03- Babygirl is fast asleep on the couch. I am so exhausted from the long day and sleepless night before.

11:40-I moved Babygirl into her bed and soothed her back to sleep.

11:52- I finally climbed into bed. We made it through today!

 

 

12:20- WAIT! My day is not over. Babygirl has knocked on my door and come crawling into my bed with me. She grouchily demands cuddles and we eventually fall asleep together.

Babygirl's Surgery-Part 2

Post-Op

Babysister and I hanging out in the waiting room while Babygirl was in surgery.

My parents were a Godsend.

Daddy sent a special gift for me to take along to the hospital with us.

He always knows how to melt my heart.

 

10:18- Nurse called me back to the recovery room. I spotted another nurse holding Babygirl in a rocking chair. She handed her to me so I could rock with her. She was dead-weight and sooo heavy. She was floppy like a newborn baby. When she heard my voice she opened her eyes and they were looking in opposite directions. It was so creepy! I just rocked with her and clutched her tight. I stroked her hair and just talked gently to her. Asked her if she was going to wake up soon and whispered in her ear of how brave she was and how much I loved her.

 

10:28- The nurse brought her tonsils to me so I could see them. Yes, I am gross like that and wanted to see. haha. They were huge! They compared them to the size of quarters. No wonder my girl couldn't ever swallow anything!

 

They had a hard time putting an IV in when she was back in the OR.

They tried 2-3x in both hands and eventually found a good vein in her right foot. Even the anesthesiologist tried to place her IV. Apparently Babygirl has veins that roll just like her mama.

I can't get over how blessed hubby and I are. We have perfect, beautiful, healthy children.

I can't imagine the heartache and pain that comes with having a seriously ill child.

Those parents that are in and out of the hospital with their child.

The numerous surgeries and hard medications.

 

We are so blessed.

I have the greatest parents.

They have gone above and beyond for me during this deployment.

Holding my hand and supporting me through dark days, illnesses, birth, surgeries.

I could never thank them enough.

 

 

10:47- Finally got her to take a sip of apple juice.

11:00- Passed Babygirl off to MoMo because I was starving and still hadn't eaten. As soon as I had been called back to recovery, my brother had walked in the waiting room with breakfast.

11:15- My dad came back to recovery. I was a little surprised because I know he doesn't really like to see anyone in a hospital setting. This was the first grandkid to have any sort of procedure done. I think he was the most nervous ;)

 

11:25- Babygirl is finally stirring more. Once up she took a few more sips of apple juice. She realized there was an IV in her foot and freaked, kept trying to scratch at the paper covering it. I had the nurse give her anti-nausea meds before she removed the IV for the ride home. (Babygirl has random bouts of car sickness)

 

11:49- Off to the waiting room. Mommy finishes signing discharge papers and we are headed home! Babygirl receives presents for being such a big brave girl.

Babygirl's Surgery

Pre op

 

Babygirl needed her tonsils and adenoids out.

For the last 6+ months her tonsils were so swollen they were touching each other.

But she was never sick.

She had her normal colds with each season change but never any throat issues.

I mentioned her giant tonsils to her pediatrician on a few separate occasions and he would just look at them and comment on their size, then basically move on.

 

Eventually I got to the point of frustration. I made an appointment specifically to discuss her tonsils.

She has been stuck at 35 lbs for the last 7 months. She couldn't gain weight because she couldn't eat. Anytime she tried to eat something she was grab at her throat and choke. She started grabbing the skin in the front of her neck and pulling it out whenever she would swallow something. This became the norm for her when she would eat anything. It helped for a while.

I always teased about how she snored like a grown man. You could hear her snoring from three rooms away. She would wake up in the night choking on her spit because she wasn't able to swallow it.

 

Needless to say, I just got fed up that nothing was being done and my girl was suffering.

So we were sent over to an ENT physician who tried her out on some antibiotics and steroids to see if that would help shrink the tonsils at all. Nothing. Not even the slightest change.

So after blood work and x-rays we scheduled surgery for removal.

 

The morning of surgery I started a note in my phone with times of things and thoughts.

{Here is the way the surgery day played out.}

 

 

 

7:45- I finally climbed out of bed after stalling as long as possible. My stomach is in knots. I am dressed and ready but am avoiding waking her.

 

 

8:03- Talking to hubby online.

      "Yeah I know, it's killing me right now to not be there. I hope you know that"

      "Oh I know baby. Like I said, I think this is worse than being apart for me in labor. We both know I could handle that physically. But we are in unknown territory today."

 

8:22- Turned corner and saw hospital. My heart sank to my feet. After parking Babygirl spotted Papa's truck and immediately got excited. She said, "Papa and Momo are here!!"

 

8:25- Babygirl registered

8:30- Momo found kids corner to play in. Her and Babygirl colored lots of pictures and I gave her the Doc McStuffins kit that I bought her special for today.

8:50- Called back to pre-op. Just Babygirl and I went. I showed her the beautiful pink 'dress' she got to wear. She told me it was a beautiful princess dress and proceeded to dance and twirl in it.

Watching Jake and the Pirates on the tv.

MoMo came back to sit with us and Babygirl wanted to play hide and seek.

Counting to ten

 

Dancing with MoMo

Her favorite hiding spot while playing.

Her second favorite hiding spot. I laughed so much.

Yet another choice for hiding.

 

9:25- MoMo went to help with Babysister.

9:28- Met with the doctor who was doing the surgery.

9:33- Met the anesthesiologist.

9:35- Nurse took Babygirl back. She was crying and so scared and it broke my heart to not be able to go with her until she went to sleep. The nurse told Babygirl she would take her to see really cool surprises. I had to bite my tongue. I did not like that she flat out lied and possibly confused her more. 

 

 

9:43- Sent Joe for a coffee and donut run. I hadn't eaten anything yet because my stomach was so nervous.

9:55- The doctor came out and told me that he was finished. It went so fast! He said her tonsils were huge and definitely on the larger side of the ones he usually sees. But she did great and we could see her soon.