A Single Picture

A single picture.

That's all it takes to transport me back to a moment. A feeling.

Although I am so very blessed with two amazing, beautiful and healthy little girls.. I can't help but think about those two lives I lost. Those babies I didn't ever get to meet.

I have their ultrasound photos kept back and away where I can see them. But I wanted more. I wished for a long time that I had a photo of me while I was pregnant with the both of them. I know when I was pregnant both times and I know the exact dates that I lost them. But that didn't help. It's not like I could just have a picture from any given day and say, oh yeah I was pregnant there. I wanted physical proof. I felt like it wasn't too much to ask.

I adore my pictures documenting my pregnancies with my girls. I longed for the ability to line up 4 pictures side by side of the same week with each pregnancy.

I am one step closer to that dream :)

 

I know it is a terrible picture of me and that I am mid-blink.. BUT!

 

This is me at 10 weeks pregnant with my second baby.

 

I'm not going to lie. When I saw this picture on my dad's computer my heart skipped a beat. I had it sent to myself and later that night was able to stare and swoon and shed a few silent tears alone for that beautiful baby that I will get to meet in Heaven one day. My heart tells me both of those babies were perfect little boys. I can't wait until the day I can see their faces and instantly know who they are.

In my storm I heard Him

When she drives me crazy

when she is naughty

when she is screaming

when she is doing something on purpose after I said no.

When she is crying for no reason

when she is throwing her Cheerios at me...again

when she is pushing me well past my patience

I remind myself to hold her.

To scoop her up into my arms.

To gently explain what she is doing wrong,

that she is being naughty.

I remind myself to take a breath and stay calm.

For there was a time when I didn't think I would ever have her.

when pregnancy meant loss, not life.

When positive tests meant fear more than excitement.

She was promised to me.

She is my miracle.

She was sent here at the perfect time.

The night before my second heartbreaking ultrasound

I told a friend of mine,

"God wouldn't take 2 babies from me. I just know He wouldn't."

But deep down, I knew something was wrong.
I had just felt it for 2 days.
Call it mother's intuition if you like.
Heartbreaking news...again.

After my second loss I laid in bed one night

Praying silently with tears streaming down my face.

Once again, throwing the why's at God.

Not blaming Him,

just wanting answers from Him.

Wanting comfort in Him.

Why did this keep happening to me? 

To us?

What was the reason?

This is supposed to be happy and joyful.

To us it was just tears and pain.

But I knew there was a reason for everything.
And in the calm and stillness of the night
I heard Him.
"Surrender your whole self to me and I will give you the desires of your heart."

Never before could I say that God spoke to me.
But that night
The peace that washed over me as I heard those words was undeniable.
The word whole  stuck out to me.
I was being defensive.
I was guarding my heart and mind.
Even from God.
But He wanted it all.
Every part of me.
The good and the bad.
I needed to realize it wasn't me who was in control.
And He promised me.
that if I surrendered everything,
my miracle would come.

One year and six months later
After many trials and frustrations
My miracle arrived.
He knew the timing.
As a Christian, my faith was tried.
I am a stronger person today because of it.

October 15, 2011

Today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day.

I just want to post an article from The Washington Post as I remember my 2 babies who weren't able to make it into the world to be with us.

Pregnancy and Infant Remembrance Day: Marking lives lost too early

By Janice D’Arcy

This weekend families around the country will mark losses that are often unacknowledged by friends and even sometimes by family. Oct. 15 is officially calledPregnancy and Infant Remembrance Day. Unofficially, it’s known as the time of year when families that grieve over miscarriage, stillbirth and newborn death find company and solace.

Remembrance Day originated in 1988, when President Ronald Reagan designated October as a month to focus attention on these deaths. Advocates later chose the 15th as a specific day for personal reflection and public events, such as theInternational Wave of Light when parents all over the world are encouraged to light candles at 7 p.m. to recall their lost children.

“Culturally, Americans don’t know what to do when it comes to mourning a pregnancy loss,” said Julie Bindeman, a Rockville psychologist who plans on marking the day. She has suffered three pregnancy losses.

“Things are more concrete when it comes to losing a known loved one. There is the pull to ‘get over it’ and ‘put it aside.’ However, for mothers and families that have suffered through this kind of loss, the grief stays with them. With time, the grief diminishes, but a day of remembrance allows both those who have experienced the loss and those that have not to validate the grief.”